Thursday, August 11, 2011


Milagro for Sebastian

How do you wrap your head around that which makes no sense? The brain spins, numb. The heart aches with burning sorrow. Everything slows down to a surreal timelessness, hovering between memories and eternity, to a place that defies description or logic. A place that has no name. There are no words to define this place or the experience of being in it . . . there is only Love.

I could try to explain how I feel or what I have been through this past week, but it is not about me or my staggering grief. There is something much more powerful than my own experience, it is that which is greater than all of us, the thread that connects us all. It is the love of a Mother and Father's Son, a Sister's Brother, 2 Children's Father and countless others who looked up to him. It is about Sebastian and the energy of a life that has now been released.

A time like this calls for Love and Love only. It is all that I have to work with and all that I have to give. In person or from a distance, my Love is the same. If I focus my heart on the light of Sebastian, I know that I have not lost him and never will, as long as my heart still beats.

As I sit here now attempting to process my thoughts and emotions, I have to share the story of yesterday . . .

I had to make a trip out to Astoria on the NW tip of OR, a 2+ hour drive from Portland. N8 and I desperately needed a change of scenery, hoping to escape the confines of our grief. As I reached for a handful of CDs for the road, I pulled out Joshua Tree, longing for the comfort of the nostalgia it evokes of my first intensely impressionable Summer in Yosemite. I have recently been reliving those days through a 'Reunion-type' page created on Facebook and have been flooded with the sweet pangs of my past life (and loves). I hate to admit it but, I have sought refuge in reliving the past on Facebook as a way to deny the pain of the present. 

So, N8 and I headed out of town on the Hwy that hugs the Columbia on its journey to the Pacific. It was a beautiful day, with perfectly blue skies and shimmering golden sunlight dancing through the trees. It felt good to get out of the city, off the computer and away from the phone. U2 setting the tone as the soundtrack to our own journey . . . and then the lyrics spoke to me, pulling my heart towards the realization that we were following Sebastian's spirit:

We turn away to face the cold enduring chill
As the day begs the night for mercy, love
The sun so bright it leaves no shadows, only scars
Carved into stone on the face of earth
The moon is up and over One Tree Hill
We see the sun go down in your eyes
You run like a river to the sea
You run like a river runs to the sea 

I'll see you again when the stars fall from the sky 

We run like a river runs to the sea
We run like a river to the Sea!

I had not planned to go to Astoria, in fact, I was trying to avoid the long drive. But now it hit home and I knew I was doing the right thing, exactly where I needed to be.

I could feel, REALLY FEEL Sebastian's spirit on his journey to the sea -racing along the river beside me.

When we got to town, we drove all the way up to the highest point, to climb the column. Just as we reached the parking lot, a car backed out of the very first parking space just in front of us -with New Mexico plates. Seeing the sun symbol of the Zia surely meant something! N8 and I absorbed the breathtaking beauty of the incredible view and held each other as we had a moment of silence for Sebastian. I stood behind my son with my hands wrapped around his chest and felt his heart beating in my hand. I meditated on the confluence of where the Columbia meets the sea, where one life flows into the massive expanse of the 'Mother', and imagined Sebastian's spirit merging with the Universe.

By the time we got home yesterday evening, we learned that Sebastian had passed away.  We also learned that a good friend gave birth to a new baby girl! So a day that had begun without any order of sense, ended with peace, harmony and balance.